we just won't be defeated

burger queen

dame helen

ladies and gentlemen, that above is dame helen mirren.  you'll remember her from such films as "gosford park" and "the cook, the thief, his wife & her lover."  she was also - apparently - in another movie just last year, because two nights ago she was honored with an academy award for best actress in a leading role.  you can see her prize, in fact, right there.... um, next to her, um, potato chips.  it seems she just couldn't wait - in her shining moment - to tuck into an in-n-out burger.  dame helen mirren is one of the coolest people on the planet this week.  and she obviously knows her burgers.

oscar the grouch

dear oscar,

let's get this right out in the open from the get-go:  i don't like you, and you probably wouldn't like me.  it's not that i am some namby-pamby film snob, mind you.  my film tastes are quite mainstream.  it's just that you so rarely get even the mainstream right.  look, i'm not going to bore us all with yet another list of your grievous offenses.  we all know you haven't gotten one right since "unforgiven" won oh so very long ago and let's just leave it at that.

actually, i am writing to thank you.  no, not for "the departed," though i did like to see marty get his long overdue recognition.  (though let's be honest - you could have given the award to him twice in just the past five years.  "gangs of new york" was better than everything else that was nominated and "the aviator" was better than everything but "sideways."  seriously - we all know by now you're never going to recognize a comedy, so why do you even bother to nominate them?)  but i digress....  like i said, i'm not here to chastise you for waiting so long to fete marty; if he was a better director, he would have won already.  like i said, i am here to thank you.

so thank you, thank you, thank you for not awarding best picture to that piece of shit "little miss sunshine."  i've been wracking my brain for weeks trying to come up with a more inexplicable best picture nominee, to no avail.  and you can imagine my dismay when i heard a few pundits on friday opine that this excrement might actually win.  i liked alan arkin, and i see he was duly noted (you owe marky mark an explanation, by the way), but thank you for saving us from this stain of american cinema.  you remember "napoleon dynamite," right?  remember how that was a bunch of fucking nonsense with a weird dance at the end?  right.  it sucked.  well, so did "little miss sunshine," which was actually even more annoying.  (i never thought i would type those words, but there you go.)  so thank you, oscar voters.  i can't say for certain at this point the best picture actually won.  but at least you didn't completely embarrass yourselves again.

sincerely,
hotrod

icicle race

hey!  here's a fun february activity that might not have occurred to you: cycling!  yeah, cycling!  you know, like on a bike!?  seriously!!!

the mercury in my thermometer rocketed all the way up to the mid-twenties by eight o'clock, so you know damn well i wasn't about to waste the morning all curled up and cozy in warm and blissful slumber.  no way!  not this guy!!!  it's invigorating being out there in the cold when every breath is like icy daggers.  you haven't lived until you've experienced the adrenaline rush of impending hypothermia!  i mean, sure it's fun standing around shivering in the frigid parking lot in the middle of nowhere while you wait for the rest of the group to arrive.  you'd think it couldn't get much better.  but you'd be wrong!  WAY wrong!!!  'cuz when you get out on that road with the wind whipping through your helmet....  man!  you start to think you might never feel that way again.  you start to think you might never feel your extremities again!  THAT'S something, let me tell you!!!

i feel bad for all you pitiful losers who slept in and then might have gone for a leisurely cup of coffee and maybe a banana nut muffin while you read the paper and did the crossword.  i truly do.  you're letting the best in life just pass you by.

not guilty: journey

i was dead before the ship even sank.

and i knew it.

no more power ballads.

Journey - Open Arms

press release

ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Competition Committee and the entire KttD organization, we would like to extend a laurel and a hearty handshake to your Seventh Annual Karaoke to the Death VII champion: emma peel.

congratulations, emma.  and excelsior!

it's on

so....  at this point it's all over but the shouting.

it's been quite a busy couple of weeks.  we've covered - to some degree or another - all the winning songs through the years.  doc has walked us through the agonizing process of selecting an appropriate song and CV has enlightened us on the agony of living with someone who is selecting an appropriate song.  dabysan has cautioned us on the shame of "tanking."  we've heard vanna's priceless highlights from last year and we've checked in on how the major players are expected to fare in two days' time.  we'd offer that there's nothing left to be said, but we all know that's not really true.  there's always more, but we're out of time.  over the next couple of days, everybody who is anybody (and soo) will be descending upon northern virginia for the Seventh Annual Karaoke to the Death VII.  we have only one more little door to open on our KttEve advent calendar.  it's the most wonderful time of the year.  excelsior!

Karaoke to the Death

not guilty: bryan adams

as difficult as it may be to believe, Karaoke to the Death has not always been the majestic celebration of bad singing we know and love today.  in its early years, it was a decidedly more modest affair.  the initial contest featured only two participants.  if memory serves correctly, year two saw only five people take the stage.  in 1969 a brash young quarterback from the new york jets named el cap-e-t--  er, joe namath, made good on his guarantee of victory and launched a fledgling football game humbly called "the Super Bowl" into the forefront of american consciousness.  similarly, it would require three years for KttD to really take off.  and take off it did.

the third year of Karaoke to the Death was a high-water mark for the sport.  this was the year the decision was made to acquire a trophy, of some kind, to bestow upon the eventual champion.  the field nearly doubled from the previous year.  the level of competition was at its highest level to date, and some say possibly ever.  and yet everyone was devastated - in a unanimous decision - by the dark horse contestant bill ramsey.  it was the last knockout KttD would ever see, and it ushered in what is now referred to as the "modern era" of Karaoke to the Death.  and because the game is bigger now than we might have ever imagined that fateful evening of february 18, 2001, it's more important than ever not to lose sight of our humble origins.  history will always remember that the green bay packers are three-time super bowl champions, despite that two of those victories occurred prior to the jets' watershed game.  and KttD will always remember its trailblazing early champions.

(editors' note: we have it on good authority - from the man himself - that in the event of a dabysan victory in 2007, he will attempt to usurp falsely KttD glory from its established champions.  to wit: he plans to celebrate his victory as "the first two-time KttD champion of the modern era."  and we are calling bullshit.  this post is in no small part a shameless attempt to undermine this specious argument before it ever gets off the ground.  not that it will matter anyway, 'cause daby ain't winnin'.  but it's just easier to get this out in the open right now.)

and so, to year one: there was no agonizing over songs.  there were no strategies.  there probably weren't even any cameras.  there were just two men, a stage, and a book of songs.  we each knew our first songs before we arrived, and neither was calculated to be especially bad, but were just songs we wanted to sing: "margaritaville," for daby, and "friends in low places" for me.  second songs were chosen on the fly.  i don't recall daby's second song.  hell, i barely recall my second song.  i do remember, though, being intoxicated enough to miss the cue for one of the great opening lines in all of popular music, but not intoxicated enough that i couldn't remain bipedal and somewhat coherent through the rest of the song.  and that, my friends, was - is - the KttD sweet spot.  when i look back now, that evening seemed to last forever.  those were the best days of my life.

Bryan Adams - Summer Of '69

i'm as free as a bird now

a few weeks ago, dabysan related the story of the origin of Karaoke to the Death.  and i am pleased that he finally got it mostly right.  we've each told this grand tale - some might say the greatest story ever told - countless times.  and we have quibbled over the veracity of the details ad nauseum.  and then some.  and then - even - some more.  but the one aspect that has never been up for debate was that dabysan's joyous painful song was "Free Bird."  which is ironic because it was almost certainly not the song he was singing on that fateful day so long ago.

Free Bird

in fact, "Free Bird" became shorthand for wretched and public singing much earlier - way back in 1996.  the story - possibly apocryphal - goes something like this: dabysan and rob breckenridge were playing cards one day in the smoking room of misha's coffeehouse and for some reason (because they were profoundly annoying customers, probably - and bad tippers to boot) began to utter various passages from lynyrd skynyrd's magnum opus.  this, inevitably, lead to moderately quiet song.  one by one, however, various other patrons (also bad tippers) joined the chorus and the song crescendoed.  at this point, misha's beleaguered barista - one ryan roy ullmann - leapt over the counter to put a stop to the disruptive behavior.  just as the horde had crooned "i'm as free as a bird now," roy loudly interjected: "THE NEXT ONE OF YOU FUCKERS SINGS ANOTHER NOTE IS OUTTA HERE!"  and the entire room erupted, "AND THIS BIRD YOU CANNOT CHAAAAAAAAAANGE!!!!!"

now.... i wasn't present for this particular display of shameful disrespect for authority.  and as vrabel correctly points out, it's difficult to imagine roy leaping over anything.  but i have to believe there is at least a kernel of truth here, having heard this tale several times over from numerous sources.  not least of which is - and i will be the first to admit he is hardly the most reliable of witnesses - the mighty roy himself.  i distinctly recall meeting roy at king pepper one evening at king pepper for our nightly pints.  (actually, i distinctly recall meeting roy at king pepper many evenings, but that's another story....)  the evening in question, he opened the conversation with "so i had to throw all the kids out tonight."  when i asked why he responded with "aw, NOFXdaby got 'em all fired up.  singin' and shit.  that shit's got to stop."

that shit didn't stop, of course.  if anything, it occurred with even more frequency, which sheds some light on where we were five years later.  one can take only so much.  i will state for the record, however, knowing what i now know - that from this humble beginning would be born the single greatest sporting event known to humanity - i would gladly suffer it all again.  probably.

the gambler

the Seventh Annual Karaoke to the Death VII is a mere one week away now, so it seems an appropriate time to check in on how the experts in las vegas have ranked the field.  this particular task was supposed to have been handled by dabysan before his departure for warmer climes, but as he was derelict in his duties the responsibility falls to me.  (you might, i would add, register your displeasure with the abandonment of his post by say.... casting your vote for one of his KttD rivals one week hence.  perhaps - and i'm just thinking out loud here - a certain witty and urbane redhead who covered for him in his absence.  just a thought.)

the last time i visited the Rock It Grill, three weeks ago when vrabel was in town, a young woman whom we were reasonably certain is lied to by all her friends on a regular basis sang kenny rogers' most famous song.  i am very glad we won't be competing against her.  please note: what follows is not a comprehensive list, but only known competitors at this time.  and as always, the odds listed below are for entertainment purposes only.

3:1 -- emma peel:  many experts rightly feel that a woman is long overdue to take the ramsey cup, and in lack of another serious female threat, emma is that woman.  by no means, however, should this be misconstrued as some sort of Title IX meddling.  emma's monotone delivery strikes fear into the heart of the most fierce competitors.  but for legitimate concerns about her commitment to victory, she'd be ranked even higher.
5:1 -- doc paradox:  if there is any truth to the belief that these things are cyclical - and doc is hoping that there is - he should take the cup this year.  not one to trust his fate to, uh, fate, however, he has instituted his toughest off-season training program since his title defense four years ago.  not to be underestimated, also, is his desire to avoid failing to fail miserably at his devoted girlfriend's first KttD event.
6:1 -- dabysan:  like the ohio state buckeyes (tee hee), dabysan's long layoff comes at an inopportune time.  a solid week of sun and relaxation is expected to dull his keen thirst for victory.  additionally, his fear of flying and subsequent use of sedatives to compensate may take a strong toll, as he is expected to land back in the area mere hours before the event.  he is probably the most naturally untalented of the field, however, and should be right there in the mix at the final tally.
10:1 -- mwaanga liebenthal:  some consider mwaanga the greatest contender to have yet to win a title, and several others feel he would have done so already but for his long-suspected tanking tendencies.  if not for the stigma of violating KttD's cardinal rule, he would probably be ranked above even emma.  mwaanga has fought back in recent years though, and seems to have left his tanking ways behind him.  his reasonably high ranking attests to his lack of ability.
15:1 -- will andalora:  the highest ranked rookie in the field, will is almost certain to turn some heads this year.  though many KttD regulars will consider him a dark horse, those who know him know he is not to be taken lightly.  his one-two punch of lack of talent and strict adherence to the KttD substance abuse policy could very well propel him to bad karaoke's highest honor.
18:1 -- el cap-e-tan:  el cap-e-tan would certainly be ranked within the top three this year but for the unfortunate relevation late last week of his admission to tanking during KttD VI.  most scouts believe, though, that this was an unplanned response by a visibly shaken cap-e-tan to following eventual champion hotrod and not a pattern of behavior.  cap-e-tan has been hard at work training for this year and attempting to restore his credibility, but as has been seen with mwaanga's dalliances into questionable KttD ethics, the judges have long memories and little tolerance for cheating.  el cap-e-tan has his work cut out for him, but also has the lack of talent to overcome this obstacle.
20:1 -- hotrod:  most observers feel that winning back-to-back KttD titles is one of the most difficult accomplishments in all of sports, and hotrod's low ranking is evidence of that.  he is keenly aware of the contrarian nature of the jury-at-large - a contrarian nature he has certainly helped to foster in past years - and has accepted the natural predisposition to select a new champion yearly as part of the game.  he has taken this perceived lack of respect to heart, though, expanding his coaching staff and instituting a more rigorous off-season training program than ever before.  if the KttD voters can manage to look past his current title and judge merely on the merits of performances at hand, hotrod has as good a chance for victory as anyone.
25:1 -- soo doh nim:  a former champion is never to be taken lightly, but many scouts believe that soo holds within his heart the misguided belief that he has a modicum of ability, and therefore is predisposed to selecting songs that do not properly showcase his inherent awfulness.  not to be underestimated, though, is his peculiar dancing.  KttD is about vocal talent and the lack thereof, but most judges base their decisions to some degree on total presentation.  a combination of all the wrong moves and a weak showing by a few of the favorites could lead to a second title for soo.
30:1 -- sarah mehaffey:  another rookie, little is known about sarah except her biting wit.  and - if she can convince dan her man to drive - her affinity for the KttD substance abuse policy.  it remains to be seen how she will fare on the hallowed stage, but it is suspected by many that she will fare poorly - meaning in this instance, of course, well.
36:1 -- dan "the man" mehaffey:  dan the man is entering his second KttD competition this year, coming off a somewhat disappointing rookie season.  some observers feel that he doesn't have the right stuff to succeed on a grand scale.  song selection will be key for dan if he is to have any hope for victory.
40:1 -- laura matyas:  laura hopes that her distinctive voice will translate to KttD glory, in this - her first - competition.  the toughest of all participants for the scouts to get a read on, they are counting on her inexperience to be a major factor.  if she remains unintimidated by the more seasoned veterans, she could be a factor in the late voting.
45:1 -- vanna:  already proven to be an astute coach, vanna will enter the fray for the first time this year to see if she can attain personal KttD glory in her own right.  her known affinity and encyclopedic knowledge of 80's pop music have some scouts intrigued, but like dan the man, it is widely believed she will need an inspired choice of song to propel her to victory and possession of the Ramsey Cup.
48:1 -- jason pualoa:  a former competitor in year four, jason plans to return this year from a long layoff.  he is a bit of a mystery to most scouts, eschewing the KttD limelight, but he is remembered mostly for his lack of discomfort on the grand stage.  unless he has spent the past thirty-six months un-fine-tuning his craft, it is believed he will have a difficult time competing with the frontrunners.
50:1 -- yo han:  yo han, like akaijen before him, must overcome the knowledge by several of the voting public that he is a semi-professional musician.  it is a tough obstacle for one known to sing well under certain circumstances to convince the jury that he or she is legitimately singing poorly on the KttD stage.  that he is also a rookie will more than likely prove challenging for yo han.
100:1 -- bill ramsey:  bill will almost certainly not be in attendence, but the shadow he cast over KttD with his winning performance in year three is so large that he remains to this day a perennial contender, albeit an obvious long shot.
1,000:1 -- calaverde:  calaverde will be in attendance for her first ever KttD, and though she claims she won't be singing, others have been known to get swept up in the moment and the booze and relent.  a movement is afoot to ply her with enough cheap wine to convince her to sing "hot for teacher" - because that'd be friggin' awesome.
10,000:1 -- vrabel:  the first step toward everlasting KttD glory is taking the stage.

operacion puerto

ALEXANDRIA, Virginia (AP) -- Scandal rocked the karaoke world today when an audio tape was released that revealed a contestant had tanked in competition during Karaoke to the Death VI.  The tape, issued by KttFilms, features an interview with a perennial frontrunner, El Cap-E-Tan, and a sideline reporter known only as Vanna.  During the interview, Mr. Cap-E-Tan was heard to say, "...but the thing was I had to try to suck.  You can suck without trying, but..."  At which point Vanna asked, "Did you try, or did you just naturally suck?"  Mr. Cap-E-Tan responded robustly and unequivocally, "I tried to suck.  I tried to suck."

In a public statement to members of the media, Karaoke to the Death co-founder Dabysan said, "Obviously this is a major blow to the integrity of our competition, as well as an insult to all those who compete honestly."  Dabysan's partner in the creation of KttD, and current title holder, Hotrod had this to add, "The real victim here is Dabysan.  He only narrowly defeated a man known to have sung deliberately beneath his abilities.  With this new information, maybe - just maybe - people could reevaluate his winning performance and come to the conclusion that Daby wasn't actually that bad a singer after all.  This could really hurt him in future competitions."

Mr. Cap-E-Tan burst onto the karaoke scene in 2005 with his shrill rendition of Martha and the Vandellas' 'Heat Wave' and ultimately came within one vote of taking the title in his rookie year - an unprecedented feat in the modern era of Karaoke to the Death.  He was considered by many to be a favorite to win in 2006, during which competition the interview released today occurred.

Upon completion of his initial performance in Karaoke to the Death VI, however, accusations of foul play were almost immediately hurled in Mr. Cap-E-Tan's direction - accusations which he has steadfastly denied.  Mr. Cap-E-Tan even went so far as to issue a public statement on October 21, 2006, cryptically stating in part, "Our subject at hand knows this. And he has one last chance to clear his name. Or else he will be forced into an abrupt retirement rivalled [sic] only be [sic] NFL running backs, wondering what constitutes bad singing."

Today's revelation comes at an especially sensitive juncture for El Cap-E-Tan.  With just over a week remaining until the 2007 contest, Mr. Cap-E-Tan must contend with the ramifications of today's events while still preparing and making travel arrangements not just for himself, but for his mother, sister, and brother-in-law - a controversial ploy which some have already claimed constitutes an attempt to establish a bloc of sympathetic voters within the jury-at-large.  When asked for comment, Mr. Cap-E-Tan's older brother and KttD IV champion Soo Doh Nim declined, saying only, "My family and I ask that you respect our privacy during this difficult time."

While Karaoke to the Death by-laws do not specifically prohibit tankers from competing in future events, many feel that the stigma is a stain that is nearly impossible to overcome.  Mwaanga Liebenthal, a veteran of the KttD circuit and several-time alleged tanker has this to say, "I barely know what I have to do anymore.  I know they suspect my performance of 'Come On, Eileen,' but I swear I had a sore throat that year and they've never let me live it down.  I'm a victim of circumstance."

Karaoke to the Death, now in its seventh year, is the premier bad karaoke competion in the world, and at its core is its stringent 'No Tanking' policy.  "You must try your best," is one of only two officially recorded rules in the KttD canon.  Says Dabysan, "[The Tanker] cuts at the very heart of the trust relationship between the KttD performer and the KttD audience."  The only question now for Mr. Cap-E-Tan is whether he can regain that trust.